If You're Using Tax Dollars to Get High, Please Don't Go to the Super Market at 1 am...

So I got a piercing. To take care of it, my place suggests Dial Liquid Anti-Bacterial Soap (just the plain yellow generic kind). Because my last piercing was 4 years ago, I had thrown out the last thing of plain yellow soap and needed to get new bottle. So, being the tool that I am, I put it off to the last minute. I go to the movies, eat dinner, get ice cream, and all along figure, I'll find it, super easy, it's so generic! And I didn't need it until bed time, so no big deal, right?

So we leave the movies around midnight and I have my friend drive me home, and go to the 24 hour CVS about 15 minutes from my house on my own, at 12:45 at night.

No one's out, I figure I'll get there fast, no big deal. Then...my stomach starts to hurt. Whatever, I'll be in and out and home in time to save my most-likely lactose intolerant stomach.

So I go, but I am told they don't have it. WHAT?!?! You don't have it?!?! HOW?!?! The lady at the store didn't know, but she suggested an Acme across the street, and me and my hurting stomach make a run for it.

I get there and it's all good getting in. They're doing mad cleaning of the store, because it's now like 1:05 am, and I can't blame them, but DAMN does it reek! Smells like industrial cleaner and freon (that cooler stuff they use in freezers and air conditioners). But I deal and I walk briskly through the store, saunter around the isle a bit. Take some time deciding if I want the clear or the "Gold" (I go with gold, because that's what all the people who get piercings used too) and then I get in line.

Yes...at 1:10 a-fucking-m, there's a line. A LONG line. And the lady putting her stuff on the belt is going sooooooooooooooooo slow. I mean, I get it. 1:10 am...you figure, where's anyone got to go, but c'mon! And there's only one lane open. And there's still one more lady with a cart full of food in front of me! (Subsequently, it was a cart full of JUNK food...stoner!)

I suffer. I'm dying of stomach cramps by this point and wondering if I should be assessing where the nearest toilet is. I consider asking the skinny junk food bitch in front of me if I can cut in front of her because I have just one item, but she looks like a super bitch who would curse me out in some language other than English right to my face, so I scrap that. I even consider just forgetting about it and just going home, but I know I can't. It's the first night with it. I need to clean it. It's got old crusted blood and shit. No...It needs clean. RAWR!!!!

So I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally we start moving up. The whore in front of junk food bitch is finally starting to finish up. The check out lady, who's stupid as fuck with a chin and lower lip that come out father than her nose and hooker make up on, scans all her shit and is trying to help her pay. And so what does the Whore use, friggin' Access Card. WELFARE!!! FOOD STAMPS!!! At 1:30 in the a-Goddam-m. I mean, I'm grateful she is USING her stamps for food and not selling them for crack, but dear God! Just hurry the fuck up. Don't ask 50 million questions about how to use your friggin' card! JUST DO IT!!!

Then she's packing and junk food bitch is trying to buy her shit. She's taking forever too, but mostly because check out lady is so stupid, my 1-year-old nephew could check you out faster. And by the way, bitch had nothing but candy bars and soda, and she was skinny as a rail! SKINNY AS A RAIL!!! Guess that's what crack does to you.

And then, finally, it's my turn. At 1:40 am, it is my turn! I get there with my one little bottle of hand soap and check out dumbass starts to put it in a bag. I'm so enraged by this point that rather than ask nicely, I bitch out, "can I get a sticker rather than wasting a plastic bag and hurting the environment?" She thinks this is a great idea and starts to try to talk to me about saving bags, but I'm in full on hate everyone mode, so I don't go for it. Normally I would love it. I would be enthralled with it, but not at 1:40 am with two crack heads in front of me (who even though they've paid, ARE STILL STANDING THERE).

I pay. I mess it up because I'm so blinded by furry. The clerk tries to start some cute conversation and the guys behind me try to give me this nice looks, like hey, we feel your pain...but I don't bite. I'm not taking their kindness. I just grab my thing, thankful it's over, and try to run for the door.

Key word being try, because at that moment, Whore and Junk Food Bitch chose to FINALLY leave and the pace of a snail! A GODDAM SNAIL!!!! ARG!!!!!

I try to be polite and get around them. I manage to pass Whore...but Junk Food Bitch is so oblivious to the world around her. I kept secretly hoping that one of the industrial mops they were using to clean the store would go berserk and careen outta nowhere into her for my viewing pleasure. But I had no such luck.

Finally, my stomach hurts so bad I'm starting to get cold sweats and I just give up....my patients that is. I run up behind Junk Food and I practically push her out of the way. I mean, I like run past her...and I'm in platform flip-flops circa 1998 Spice Girls...like damn!!!!

And then I run. Free at last I run out of the store and to my car, trying desperately not to say anything too outrageous under my breath for fear the wrong person will hear me and my stomach and throbbing ear lobe won't be the worst of my problems. My car is a safe haven. I curse my lungs out, turn on the radio and behold! I can see through the windows that Junk Food and Whore ARE STILL IN THERE!!!! They are walking so slow that they are not even near the door and I'm already pulling out of the lot. GOD DAMN!!!! What is wrong?!?!

They had to all be high. That's the only explanation I can think of. They had to all be fucking high!!!



Oh, and by the way, it was an industrial I got done. In my right ear. It's so cool. Too bad I can't go on any roller coasters for then next like 3 months...and summer just started. Whateve, it looks hot!

When Going Through the Desert, I Prefer the Horse With No Name

So the youngest MMMBop boy had a son. Not that you care about Hanson or anything, but stay with me on this, I'm going somewhere here! So he had a son yesterday. His name is John Ira Shepard Hanson. First off, that is a crazy long name. Second off, they're calling him Shepard. SHEPARD!!!! It makes me think of Matthew Shepard and that makes me sad. Thanks a million there, Zac!

So anyway, my point being is, why do celebrities and urban people feel the need to name their kids crazy shit. I mean, I get it: you're trying to be unique...but isn't there a point where you just go too far? If you're name is Sha77quanda - two 7's not three - THEN SOMETHING IS GOING WRONG!!! Seriously!! What happened to Kate and Christopher? EH?!?! At least Zac tried. Some people just don't even care.

When I have little diaper-pissers of my own, I'm gonna just hit the key board and see what comes out.

Owiehbioewhgahiog

It's for a boy. It's pronounced Hank.

And it may just be me...

I have jury duty in a month. I am excited. I am hoping that I will finally get picked. Crazy? Maybe I am! But SRSLY! This will be my 3rd jury summons (In only 6 years...I serve like every 2 years. JESUS!) and yet, I've never been picked. But that's why I can serve so often. If you don't get picked, you can get duty again in 1 year. It's 3 if you do serve.

So why not me? Well, the first time, I was being questioned for a panel for a civil suit, but I had just received my own settlement from a civil suit I was involved in (which subsequently was settled out of court, but 'spose that still counts). The second time, was a criminal murder trial and I didn't serve because I don't believe in the death penalty. I don't picket at prisons or anything, but I can't sentience a man to death. I mean, really, I was looking at him. I looked directly at him. Could you do that? Could you look at a man and say, "Yes, that man should die"?

I can't. And so I didn't serve.

But we'll see. I hope it goes well. It's still a month away, but keep your fingers crossed. I wanna see my justice system at work!

I Really Do Think the World is Trying to Say Something Here

I love Rock Band. It is so awesome-cross. If only it was real. Then I would tour the world in that Jet I won with the roadies I stole. So much for loyalty, roadies. You're kinda sucky in that department.

But really, what I should be doing...I should be down the shore....thanks, Big Oil, for ruining that for me.

$4. That's what it is here. $4!!! A friggin' gallon! A GALL-ON! Holyfriggin'shit!!!! I'm so mad too because their whatever-quarter-we're-in earnings keep going up. If this was really because there's not enough oil or the Middle East is charging us too much, shouldn't Big Oil be LOOSING MONIES?!?! I don't get it. And I don't get a very big choice because I have to drive to do my job. I just...it's so lame.

I remember when it was only $1.25 7 years ago. It's such a huge jump, just because they can. I don't know what else to do except stop driving! But, like I said, I have to for work. I travel all over the city and need to in the shortest amount of time possible. I really only justify it because I'm a social worker, and I figure for the greater good of society I can chalk up a few bucks to some executive fat-cat's pockets.

To me, it's $40 and the opportunity to change a child's life. For him, it's highway robbery and the express lane to hell for arseholes who use political and economic loopholes and extortionary practices to keep the lowest classes down. Good job CEO-of-Big-Oil. Hope the prospect of eternal damnation makes that million dollar yacht so much more fun!!!!

As for the rest of you: enjoy your summer with no vacation because we can't even afford to drive down the street, let alone to a vacation destination.

Maybe this onslaught of natural disasters is trying to tell us something.

I just found out about the glory...

Apparently, there are places you can take your wash and other people will clean it for a fee.

And I'm not just talking dry cleaning. This is fucking regular wash, people!

And how did I not fucking know?!?! HOW!!??!!?!?!

Even my little brother who can't even afford to do his own laundry by hand in the Delaware River friggin' knew.

God I suck....but this is gonna be so rock out!!!

Fishies Poop Sand and How to Lose at Life

According to my friend, there are fish who eat rocks and then poop out sand and that's how beachers were made. Awe-sam!

So last night we went to a Japanese hibachi grill thing and we were having an awesome time. I had Voss Sparkling water, because I'm better than you, and we ate really good food and it was nice. So while there, me and my girl got engrossed in a vigorous contest to see who could possibly more self involved, but we were total fail. Yes, while we were playing Super-Vain-Me, we were trumped by a smooshie-faced bitch who takes all the gold medals in all the conceited competitions in the world.

How? Well, she was with a different party and it was her friend's birthday. Their chef was leading everyone in singing happy birthday to their friend and it was no big deal. But then, they stopped singing and smushy-faced bitch goes "How do you sing it in Japanese? Sing it in Japanese!" Like, c'mon, bitch! Please! Guy's just trying to make you dinner and put on a little show and you're gonna be an asshole like that?

Well, he wasn't thrown, he just kept going and politely said, "I don't speak Japanese; I'm Chinese." Well, wouldn't you know, bitch is so rude, she friggin' goes, "Then sing it in Chinese. How do you sing it in Chinese?"

Me and my girl were like, WTF!??! Double-U Tee Eff?!?!?! Double-U Tee Emm Eff?!?!? I mean, for God's sake, the poor chef! And the waitress lady had to be like, "Please don't bother the chef." MY GOD!!!

So yeah, my friend and I ultimately lost the Who Is Most Self Involved game. But really, when the prize is being a huge bitch that no one likes, aren't we all losers.

At least WE don't have squishy-faces!

Once upon a time...

...I wrote this:

Maybe, sometimes, people should walk more carefully around each other's hearts. Meanwhile, some should walk harder and with cleats.

I'm not sure who it's about. Maybe my bro and his ex? Either way, it was awesome...and true.



P.S. ~ Why is it only Friday AFTERNOON? It needs to be Friday NIGHT and it needs to be it NOW!

Something for You to Take Home

I'm soooooooooooo bored. You are too if you're reading this dribble. So welcome to some help!

I'm just gonna tell you whatever I feel like. And you're gonna read it and go, Ohm Emm Gee DoubleU Tee Emm Eff! What are you doing with yourself, because I'm sure you're supposed to be doing something else...like work.

And yes. I should.................

...........................But I'm not.

Btw - I LOVE that song "I kissed a girl"...not that one from the 90's (though I love that one, too!), but the one that just came out. From some chick, Katy Something-or-other. It's awesome and totally my life in musical form. Only thing better is Lady GaGa's "Just Dance". Don't even ask me any questions, just go and get it, listen to it, and enjoy the fact that you, too, are not alone in your binge drinking on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday/Day-Ending-in-Y night. Because I'm cherishing the thought. And shouldn't we alkies stick together like a bad-toupee on my g-pops head?

YES!

It's Friday, and it can only get worse from here. Save yourself!