If You're Using Tax Dollars to Get High, Please Don't Go to the Super Market at 1 am...

So I got a piercing. To take care of it, my place suggests Dial Liquid Anti-Bacterial Soap (just the plain yellow generic kind). Because my last piercing was 4 years ago, I had thrown out the last thing of plain yellow soap and needed to get new bottle. So, being the tool that I am, I put it off to the last minute. I go to the movies, eat dinner, get ice cream, and all along figure, I'll find it, super easy, it's so generic! And I didn't need it until bed time, so no big deal, right?

So we leave the movies around midnight and I have my friend drive me home, and go to the 24 hour CVS about 15 minutes from my house on my own, at 12:45 at night.

No one's out, I figure I'll get there fast, no big deal. Then...my stomach starts to hurt. Whatever, I'll be in and out and home in time to save my most-likely lactose intolerant stomach.

So I go, but I am told they don't have it. WHAT?!?! You don't have it?!?! HOW?!?! The lady at the store didn't know, but she suggested an Acme across the street, and me and my hurting stomach make a run for it.

I get there and it's all good getting in. They're doing mad cleaning of the store, because it's now like 1:05 am, and I can't blame them, but DAMN does it reek! Smells like industrial cleaner and freon (that cooler stuff they use in freezers and air conditioners). But I deal and I walk briskly through the store, saunter around the isle a bit. Take some time deciding if I want the clear or the "Gold" (I go with gold, because that's what all the people who get piercings used too) and then I get in line.

Yes...at 1:10 a-fucking-m, there's a line. A LONG line. And the lady putting her stuff on the belt is going sooooooooooooooooo slow. I mean, I get it. 1:10 am...you figure, where's anyone got to go, but c'mon! And there's only one lane open. And there's still one more lady with a cart full of food in front of me! (Subsequently, it was a cart full of JUNK food...stoner!)

I suffer. I'm dying of stomach cramps by this point and wondering if I should be assessing where the nearest toilet is. I consider asking the skinny junk food bitch in front of me if I can cut in front of her because I have just one item, but she looks like a super bitch who would curse me out in some language other than English right to my face, so I scrap that. I even consider just forgetting about it and just going home, but I know I can't. It's the first night with it. I need to clean it. It's got old crusted blood and shit. No...It needs clean. RAWR!!!!

So I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally we start moving up. The whore in front of junk food bitch is finally starting to finish up. The check out lady, who's stupid as fuck with a chin and lower lip that come out father than her nose and hooker make up on, scans all her shit and is trying to help her pay. And so what does the Whore use, friggin' Access Card. WELFARE!!! FOOD STAMPS!!! At 1:30 in the a-Goddam-m. I mean, I'm grateful she is USING her stamps for food and not selling them for crack, but dear God! Just hurry the fuck up. Don't ask 50 million questions about how to use your friggin' card! JUST DO IT!!!

Then she's packing and junk food bitch is trying to buy her shit. She's taking forever too, but mostly because check out lady is so stupid, my 1-year-old nephew could check you out faster. And by the way, bitch had nothing but candy bars and soda, and she was skinny as a rail! SKINNY AS A RAIL!!! Guess that's what crack does to you.

And then, finally, it's my turn. At 1:40 am, it is my turn! I get there with my one little bottle of hand soap and check out dumbass starts to put it in a bag. I'm so enraged by this point that rather than ask nicely, I bitch out, "can I get a sticker rather than wasting a plastic bag and hurting the environment?" She thinks this is a great idea and starts to try to talk to me about saving bags, but I'm in full on hate everyone mode, so I don't go for it. Normally I would love it. I would be enthralled with it, but not at 1:40 am with two crack heads in front of me (who even though they've paid, ARE STILL STANDING THERE).

I pay. I mess it up because I'm so blinded by furry. The clerk tries to start some cute conversation and the guys behind me try to give me this nice looks, like hey, we feel your pain...but I don't bite. I'm not taking their kindness. I just grab my thing, thankful it's over, and try to run for the door.

Key word being try, because at that moment, Whore and Junk Food Bitch chose to FINALLY leave and the pace of a snail! A GODDAM SNAIL!!!! ARG!!!!!

I try to be polite and get around them. I manage to pass Whore...but Junk Food Bitch is so oblivious to the world around her. I kept secretly hoping that one of the industrial mops they were using to clean the store would go berserk and careen outta nowhere into her for my viewing pleasure. But I had no such luck.

Finally, my stomach hurts so bad I'm starting to get cold sweats and I just give up....my patients that is. I run up behind Junk Food and I practically push her out of the way. I mean, I like run past her...and I'm in platform flip-flops circa 1998 Spice Girls...like damn!!!!

And then I run. Free at last I run out of the store and to my car, trying desperately not to say anything too outrageous under my breath for fear the wrong person will hear me and my stomach and throbbing ear lobe won't be the worst of my problems. My car is a safe haven. I curse my lungs out, turn on the radio and behold! I can see through the windows that Junk Food and Whore ARE STILL IN THERE!!!! They are walking so slow that they are not even near the door and I'm already pulling out of the lot. GOD DAMN!!!! What is wrong?!?!

They had to all be high. That's the only explanation I can think of. They had to all be fucking high!!!



Oh, and by the way, it was an industrial I got done. In my right ear. It's so cool. Too bad I can't go on any roller coasters for then next like 3 months...and summer just started. Whateve, it looks hot!